Notes Made in Connnection with the Disappearance of a Boy Outside the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum as Investigated by the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kuzhali Manickavel

Key Items Found at the Scene of Abduction

Penny frogs—115
Fanny pack—1
Condoms—0
Snail shells—8 empty, 3 cracked with snail still inside, 2 snails dead, 1 in surgery

* * *

Note to E. Stabler from the Lab

While You Were Out
Waited 45 min. for you to pick up your results and as usual, you didn’t show. Don’t sweat it—the Lab LOVES to wait for Elliot Stabler. It’s what we’re here for. Fanny pack only had finger outlines, no actual fingerprints. Ran the outlines through the Every Single Finger Outline Of Every Single Person In The Entire World Database even though that’s your job but hey, obviously you’re too busy doing other stuff. Came up with an Attaboy Fletcher, who was recently dumped outside the Tropicool Icy-Land slum with his hips broken. He’s at the Railway Hospital in Ayanavaram—better pick him up, he might not like waiting around as much as the Lab does.

Note to the Lab from E. Stabler

While You Were Out
Next time you tell me I’d “better” do something I will take a lighted Bunsen burner and shove it up your ass.

Note to E. Stabler from the Lab

While You Were Out
You “better” not fuck with the lab. Seriously. Don’t.

Note to the Lab from E. Stabler

While You Were Out
Why, you going to pipette me to death?

Note to E. Stabler from the Lab

While You Were Out
Asshole.

Note to the Lab from E. Stabler

While You Were Out
Child molester.

Note to E. Stabler from the Lab

While You Were Out
Dude, that’s harsh.

* * *

Statement of Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy, School Teacher Stds. 1—6, The Tropicool Icy-Land Ambedkar Primary School

Respected Sir/Madam:

My good name is Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy, hailing from Antha Ooru Village. After completing my higher studies, I went from Antha Ooru to Intha Ooru and after much hard work and suffering, I am securing job as school teacher in the Tropicool Icy-Land Ambedkar Primary School. The situation here is very, very worst. So much rowdyism and goondaism is happening on a daily basis. There is no respite for common man. Poor people are suffering like anything. Is this Gandhi’s vision for India? It is very much not so.

On the aforementioned date, I clearly witnessed one foreigner man being thrown from a moving auto and he is also falling on myself, causing me to knock down one blind, elderly woman who was pretending to be blind but was elderly only. I shouted like anything for the auto to stop but the blackguard kept continuing like it was his father’s road. I myself and some bystanders having strong sense of civic duty took this foreigner to hospital, because he is a stranger to our country and should be treated with so much respect. I am very much ashamed of the rowdyism behaviors displayed by some of these my Indian brothers. I am praying they will get some sense into their useless heads.

K. Krishnamurthy B.A. B.Ed.

* * *

Message from J. Munch to SVU Members Stating That the Injured Snail Went into Cardiac Arrest and Died Before He Could Give a Statement

The injured snail went into cardiac arrest and died before he could give a statement.

Memo from O. Benson to J. Munch

Could there be a possible rape involved? This seems like a rape situation to me. Has anyone been raped here? Anyone?

Memo from J. Munch to O. Benson

No.

Memo from O. Benson to J. Munch

Are you sure? It certainly seems like a plausible rape case to me. It has all the ingredients for a violent sexual crime and if something happens to that boy, I hope you’ll be able to live with yourself.

Memo from J. Munch to O. Benson

What boy?

Memo from O. Benson to J. Munch

The missing boy. Wasn’t there a missing boy?

Memo from J. Munch to O. Benson

You mean Attaboy? Is he missing?

Memo from O. Benson to J. Munch

I’m not sure but I have a very strong feeling he’s been raped.

Memo from J. Munch to O. Benson

What kind of name is Attaboy? Is it Canadian?

* * *

Letter from Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy, School Teacher Stds. 1—6, the Tropicool Icy-Land Ambedkar Primary School

Respected Sir/Madam:

Some rowdy elements have been threatening me regarding the statement I had given you regarding one foreigner man who was thrown from an auto and also falling on me. I am enclosing the threatening note herewith and request you to take most urgent action as soon as possible to save me from violence against my person.

K. Krishnamurthy B.A. B.Ed.

Threat Received By Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy from Persons Unknown, Possibly Based in the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Slum

Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy Sir:

Kindly withdraw the statement you gave to the SVU or we will abduct you and core your rectum.

Kind Regards.

* * *

Informal Note Attached to Lab Door

FINAL WARNING—What the fuck is wrong with you people? What part of “Do Not Open The Lab Windows” do you not understand? The entire batch of penny frogs is gone. THE WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF THEM. DON’T OPEN THE MOTHERFUCKING WINDOWS YOU FUCKING FUCKERHEADS.

* * *

Message from the Railway Hospital, Ayanavaram, Regarding Auto Boy Fetcher

We cannot find your missing man. Better you check with embassy. Kind regards.

Message from the Dental Hospital, Park Town, Regarding Auto Boy Fetcher

We just sent him to the Regional Research Institute of Unani Medicine. Kind regards.

Message from the Regional Research Institute of Unani Medicine Regarding Astro Boy Flesher

We just sent him to the Dental Hospital, Park Town. Kind regards.

Message from the Women & Children’s Hospital, Pantheon Road, Regarding Astro Boy Flesher

Sorry for the late reply—you will of course understand that as a government-run women & children’s hospital based in South India, we get many, many white men with broken hips. With much difficulty, we were able to trace your man and we are happy to report that he gave birth to one girl and one boy. Please feel free to come and collect anytime. Kind regards.

* * *

Message from E. Stabler to SVU Members

Looks like Krishnamurthy Krishnamurthy’s been abducted. He was last seen being forced into an auto, shouting, “Help, I’m being abducted.” Poor fuck.

Message from O. Benson to E. Stabler

Could he have been raped?

Message from E. Stabler to O. Benson

No, but I think his rectum is going to be cored.

* * *

Memo from Capt. Don Cragen to SVU Members Regarding the Disappearance of Attaboy Fletcher

Would someone please explain to me how he ended up in Tibet? How does a white man with broken hips go from an urban Indian slum to Tibet without any of you noticing?

* * *

Message from O. Tutuola to SVU Members

Just got word that the penny frogs were spotted on Mount Road. Looks like they’re trying to make a break for the mofussil areas. Meet you guys there.

Message from O. Tutuola to SVU Members

Haven’t seen any penny frogs yet but this one guy says he knows where one of them is and he’ll take us there for 5000 rupees which is like 2 bucks American, right?

Message from O. Tutuola to SVU Members

If you guys think I’m going to run around Mount Road catching 115 penny frogs by myself, you’re all on crack.

Message from J. Munch to O. Tutuola

Crack is whack. LOL.

* * *

Memo from Capt. Don Cragen to SVU Members

Boy’s been found and returned to his family. We’ve been advised to close the case.

Message from O. Benson to Capt. Don Cragen

What about the two missing men? What if there’s a rape? Men get raped, too, you know.

Forward from Capt. Don Cragen to SVU Members: Threat Received by SVU from Persons Unknown, Possibly Based in the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Slum

Sir/Madam:

Kindly close the case of the missing boy and disregard the two missing men or we will core your rectums. All of them.

Kind Regards.

Message from O. Benson to Capt. Don Cragen

Oh. OK, then.

* * *

Message from O. Tutuola to SVU Members

Fuck this shit and fuck your penny frogs. I’ve been waiting for you motherfuckers for six days. I’m going home.

Message from Capt. Don Cragen to SVU Members

What penny frogs? Where is Tutuola? Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me anything?

Message from J. Munch to O. Tutuola

Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ice-T? Like from the side. And from far away. Really, you do.

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I remember watching this one episode of Law & Order: SVU where I think there was a kid with a stab wound who got dumped in front of a hospital and then the SVU people found out that the kid went to a Catholic school and he was stabbed by this girl who had two moms, meaning her moms were lesbians and I guess Catholic schools aren’t into lesbian moms and the girl’s hair was cut with a pair of scissors by this boy who maybe wasn’t into lesbian moms either but he was into harassing the girl possibly because she had lesbian moms and then he was stabbed with these same scissors by the girl whose hair he cut and he ended up paralyzed but that was only after the girl and her half-brother stole a priest’s car to dump that other kid, the hair-cutting-lesbian-hater-kid, in front of the E.R. because basically they were good kids. But this wasn’t really about the kids or the stabbing or the Catholic school, it was more about the girl’s two moms, one of whom was dying and then after a while she was dead and then the parents of the dead mom find these supposedly pedo pictures of the girl and the other mom, the one that was still alive, and the other dead mother’s parents got this homophobe lawyer who showed them statistics which maybe he pulled out of his bum and they got the girl to lie and they accused the other mother, the one that was still alive, of molesting the girl but then they found out they weren’t pedo pictures at all because they were about body image or something and so that one alive mother won everything but oh I forgot to say how it was really hard to win for her because wherever she was living, they don’t allow lesbians to adopt or maybe she just didn’t adopt but anyway she was the girl’s mom, the stabbing girl with the cut hair, she was that girl’s mom but legally she wasn’t but I can’t really remember why but she won anyway and she was like go fuck yourself to the dead mother’s parents and then she took her daughter and walked away and the girl’s hair was still short. I think my relationship with Law & Order: SVU is a lot like the storyline of this particular episode.

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