artwork for Jules Archer's writing

Personal Karaoke Time
Jules Archer (@JulesJustWrite)

Selected and arranged tweets, June to July 2012.

You know what word we need to use more: paddywagon.

listening to 60s radio. i swear to god i hear annette funicello singing, “jerking USA” “Little Deuce Coupe” AGAIN? Beach Boys you are running a harsh train on me.
I’ve heard “Help Me, Rhonda” three times today. Dear god, Rhonda, you bitch, help him.

is it just me or does this bob seger song have a little cowbell in it?
I cannot handle Sting or Bono. God.
Sly and the Family Stone Station on Pandora, HOOKERS
just called a CD an “album.” how old am I?

i know it’s so 1970s and taboo but i really do love baking in the summer sun.
I think it’s time for beer and CANNONBALLS
There’s a gigantic penis at this pool. Literally.
So many fat men wearing t-shirts that have etched and chiseled abs on them. Fools, we know what your real bodies look like.
Just saw a 70 year old guy with a tighter body than mine. FML.
It feels wrong to use a baby’s bib to open a beer.
Wishing for a drunken cigarette. Looking for the rught person to bum one from. i think it’s time for flotation devices.

My friends leave so early. COME BACK
i miss you. i miss everyone.
I’m crying to all the food in my cupboards right now.
@GaryPercesepe admit it G, you teared up

Sometimes when my husband cleans the pool, i watch him from a window. He thinks I’m gazing lovingly when I really just want to shove him in.
My husband just told me he has never had Bugles. I feel so betrayed right now. “It’s Sunday. We may as well get shit-faced. That’s what we do.” --The Husband, opening another bottle of wine.
@alwayscoffee i think we need “wine in a can”
Cried tears of joy when the Husband told me that taking out the garbage was a “man’s job”

RT @meellisday Just saw a commercial for a new pantyliner that’s “like memory foam.” Yes! Cuz what I’ve really been wanting is a bloody imprint of my labia.

Twitter you are on a ROLL tonight. Except you. And you.
you know when you change your avatar it really screws with me, right? The next person to say “utilize” instead of “use” will get a throat rip. I just put a knife in my purse.
i really need to upgrade my steak knives. they’d be no help in the murdering department. Whenever I see a screwdriver I automatically think “weapon” instead of “tool”
fingernails pulled out with pliers or boardroom meeting?

whenever someone says “cookiecutter” i always picture an angsty teen trying to slit their wrists with a gingerbread man.

My cat seriously just shoved my shoulder with his paw to get me out of bed. What fresh hell is this?
My voice just cracked when I tried to yell at my cats. This puberty thing rocks. “can you not claw the couch right in front of my eyes, cat. because that’s insubordination and I will not have it.” -me. just now. to a cat.
you make me want to slap you around a little.

The drive to work. Or as like to call it … personal karaoke time.
One day my gesticulating-car-jazz hands are going to be mistaken for gang signs and I'm gonna get capped for listening to show tunes.
Managed to successfully flip the bird while driving. Seized with accomplishment.

The hot young male coffee barista asking me if I broke my coffee ”seal“ feels slightly inappropriate. But I’ll take it.
22 yr-old receptionist just told me she doesn’t know what Haight-Ashbury is. I replied with, “FUCKING WHAT?” and an epic face palm.

Aaaaand my fly has been down for the last 3 hours. Awesome.

Told the receptionist if she ever needed a mother I’d adopt her. But she’d have to be willing to change her name to Cocoa Magix.
Just got asked by a co-worker when I’m having kid. Lying & telling them your insides are scrambled is the easiest way to shut them up.
just found out there’s something called the drano pregnancy test. never mind why i was googling drano in the first place.

I’m singing at my desk like a fat woman.

I’m a writer. i lie.
Microsoft Word is telling me it’s “not responding.” Odd. That’s not what it said last night.
Nothing like typing on a laptop to make you feel like a retard.
“I fucked it up tried to get on and it dissapeared” --cryptic text from my dad, just now
I’m befuddled as to how my dad managed to text me an internet link considering he’s the man who uses forward slashes for exclamation points
my mother just text me that she and her lover bought a metal detector.

RT@NekoCase Just finished my will. My dead parents get NOTHING!!!! Ahhhh-HAHAHA!!!

@CharlieCole you’re mom sounds cool. i like her.
@CharlieCole shit. *your

Getting my hair blown out. Is it wrong that i really want to ask my stylist how many people she blows a day??
Creeper at my desk, “look at your blonde hair.” um, ok. thanks observational man of genius.
something at my desk smells like hamster.

really? who’s looking at my blog for “elbow rims”? is that really a thing?
whoever is searching my blog for “2008 toyota sienna pimped out” needs better car aspirations.
best search on my blog ever: “I’m so studied i could shit books”

I regret watching the “’Moves Like Jagger” video.
someone please remind me to never dance to “moves like Jagger”
dear iTunes shuffle, it’s too early for “Moves like Jagger”

when people ask me to “turn it down a tad” i want to throw myself off a building.
putting on a plastic smiley face.
everyone needs to carry a cyanide tablet on them for those “just-in-case-moments.”

“Facebook you bore me,” says I, basking in the freaks that are twitter
anyone know a site where you can access ALL your tweets?
Facebook is good for wondering if a) that guy & his sister are a little too close and reminding you to b) toast your childless life

Planned Parenthood next to a Motel 6. Seems fitting.
This is the kinda hotel room you’d do cocaine in.
things i hate: olympics. cabbage patch dolls. The Muppets. Basically, i am not an American.
Dear Hotel Bathroom, thanks for having a scale. Asshole.

like i said before, I’m raising my kids in the 80s. “In this house we watch V-H-S. You know what that is, kids? Prepare to be blown. Away.”
i want to be a stay-at-home-wife so i can text my husband endearing photos of what the cats have accomplished all day.
almost sucked up the shower curtain with the vaccuum hose. lucille ball ain’t got nothing on me.

RT @RickyRetardo I shouldn’t have to say this but STOP FUCKING EATING PEOPLE, YOU CRAZY FUCKS. FUCK.

Did you know brains don’t fossilize? Fun fact for ya.

Jules Archer’s Comments

Twitter lets me let my horrible out. It’s kind of good for that. It’s fun—like a party on steroids with the absolute best of the worst. As a writer, it makes you write the random and the short of life but then step back and say, “Huh. I got a story with that.” But on Twitter you would say, “I got a story for that, BITCHES!”

You can never forget the bitches.

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FRiGG: A Magazine of Fiction and Poetry | Issue 37 | Summer 2012 | The Twitter Issue