artwork for Erin Fitzgerald's writing

I Wish I Was Kidding
Erin Fitzgerald (@gnomeloaf)

Selected tweets, 2011 and 2012, not arranged by theme or chronology.

The tweeters Twitter says are like me are ALWAYS so much cooler.

Summer task of buying shorts for myself generally favored by 60 year old men or 13 year old boys: COMPLETED

@rgay I don’t see why not … just ask them to switch the meat hose for the bean one?

You all are making me wish there were Capri Suns, bags of pretzels, and little plastic trophies to hand out. For me it's eat bread and be happy, or don't eat bread and wish death on everyone.

caffeine free diet cola, because sometimes there doesn’t have to BE a point

Getting my mole removed today. A little disappointed the dermatologist indicated she’ll use a blade rather than a James Bond laser. I love that when she gave me the mirror, the dermatologist said “You're gonna need a new driver's license.”

@dhousley When you run out of cups + there's still wine in the box = when the magic happens!

Just lost about four hours of work. I wish I was kidding.
Spent the weekend mostly organizing bookshelves and exposing adult innocents to The Inbetweeners. ‪#briefcasewanker
I could be catching up on things. I am instead reading Molly Ringwald's AMA on Reddit. ‪#priorities

I really wish VH-1 would go back to showing that Shannen Doherty movie “Friends til the End” twice a day.
I wish my kid was the Cillian Murphy character in Inception.
I wish more of my clothes came in a plastic bag.

I wish I was better about asking for things.

Listening to mashups, wishing it took me longer than two seconds to identify Steve Winwood samples. Netflix, wisely, is not fulfilling my sudden burning wish to revisit the Russell Mulcahy-directed version of On the Beach.

Katie Holmes taped a guest judge stint on Project Runway today. I keep imagining her on a really awesome smoke break with Michael Kors.

@SalPane I would pay cash money to read your sartorial analysis of George Michael.

Sometimes I really wish I’d spent a long time wanting to be something else entirely, first.

Discovered it’s possible to make Yankee Candle flavored chocolate bar by accidentally storing both together. End result: What you’d expect.
This “leaves” scented candle smells more like “we got tired of printing apple stickers.”
Half an hour in and I want to write a thesis about the use of scented candles. ‪#fireproof
@mensahdemary Because in the end, everything smells like a banana.

I wish I could say I am surprised, but I’m not.

Today, my business is killing “air quotes.” And business is very, very good.
Doing the thing where I pretend fixing smart quotes keeps buildings from blowing up.
Why do I have to write sections and *then* put them into the main document? Exactly who am I trying to trick, here?
I like when I’m not doing anything that interesting and AVG pops up with the “Oh my god you are using so much memory, what the hell?” window

Mark All as Read always feels like I’ve taken something out back and shot it.

Sometimes I wish car dealers offered the option of cutting off the AM band on radios. Wishing the first song I heard this morning hadn't been “Two Tickets to Paradise.”
“Sings along with Lindsey Buckingham at top volume“ should be on checklists for a variety of things that can be wrong with you.
This REO Speedwagon song is not as good as I remember it being. ‪#duh

Someone, and I almost don’t care who, needs to remake You Light Up My Life.

If I hadn’t switched Twitter trends from NYC to worldwide, bet I’d never have thought about Kevin Rowland of Dexy’s Midnight Runners today. Switched Twitter trends back to NYC because Stevie Wonder is trending globally and I totally panicked.

sometimes you have to say EVERYONE JUST STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR A MINUTE and then watch some piglet videos

Really think Mad Men should be threatening to shove Roger Sterling out a highrise window in season 6 if they want to get that DISH shit done

Not saying I definitely do, but let’s imagine that I have a 20 year old photo of a Skrillex haircut.
I like getting haircuts where the pre-cut conversation includes the sentence “Yeah, that’s not doing anything for you, is it …”

Good lord, is there nothing that tiny teeth can’t do?

Sometimes I wish I had considerably less talent for seeing the difference between what people say, and what they do. I really wish Octavia Spencer had finished that sentence about “being valuable.”

Wish I hadn’t taken all those tree pictures before today.

Is it possible to give yourself an ear infection from chewing gum?

I wish my parents had been filmmakers because I'd have stayed up late all the damn time. I wish I'd had a Hunger Games wedding where guests had to fight to the death.

I am always down for killing ten rats.
Three is not the same number as five. ‪#poets
Almost makes me wish I was a native.

This is one of those days where I don’t have to stand on tiptoe to see the emperor.

Going to a junior high school orientation tonight. Feel like they should paint JUST SURVIVE on a giant banner and hang it out front.
I’m cool with Karen Klein’s windfall, but aren’t most school buses with 7th and 8th graders on them wretched hives of scum and villainy?
Now that the middle school band has mastered Star Wars, I might withhold my taxes until they do Tusk.

Sometimes, I really wish there was a way I could unhook the stabby editor-brain. Sometimes when I read things, I wish I could see the second last draft.

My life would be so much easier if I could do even just one thing in a single draft. You know, like sticky notes.

Email, if you wish to discuss.



Erin Fitzgerald’s Comments

I love Twitter. I feel a bit sorry for people who claim they don’t get it, even though I don’t get it either. Twitter is talking-head commentary in the reality show that’s around us all. It’s a string of one-night stands that won’t mean anything when the end of the world comes. But most important: Twitter is where to find out when celebrities die. Without Twitter, I’d think they went on forever.


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FRiGG: A Magazine of Fiction and Poetry | Issue 37 | Summer 2012 | The Twitter Issue