artwork for Crispin Best's writing

im balls deep in your dad
Crispin Best (@crispinbest)

Tweets in the first sections are from the last ~18months, the various times i’ve mentioned dads or grandparents, ordered as i saw fit
and then the long last section is all dated and chronological from this time last year

          im balls deep in your dad’s bowler hat    if u don’t have a dad what are you doing go get one    New Dad Achievement Unlocked: You killed a person

    my dad is the shindlers list of eating kooter    wow just remembered cats have dads    “son, not masturbating is literally friendzoning yourself” - a cool dad

                   “you’re grounded!” he says as he drops the first soil on his son’s coffin everyone laughs for 22 minutes freeze frame roll credits     Google DadSense is an easy way to make money online simply by displaying relevant and targeted gorgeous dads in your blog’s sidebar.     i would love a dad who is your size anyone would be lucky to have a dad that small

     don’t let your son go down on me      why did people stop burping me :(       hello from me in the past      i am me in the future now      night of the living dad

          be a grandma with me         wow you smell awesome like a grandma :]
grandpa spying on u from the undergrowth again:
lol my grandpa pooped out a lung #awwwww =)          this is for my bush league local council waste collection department: in what way is my grandpa NOT recyclable?!
I want to be a grandpa making out with a grandma with u

just injected a cucumber with steroids. waiting. Jul 18, 2011         titanic (but the main characters are friesian cows) Jul 18, 2011         i want to ctrl+N a child with you Jul 19, 2011        brb just breaking up with myself Jul 19, 2011         a ghost just drained my kidney Jul 20, 2011          MESSAGE TO ALL LADYS: USE ELCTRICITY TO CRE8 MAGNIFISNT EFECTS AT UR FUNERAL Jul 20, 2011           want to go into a mcdonalds and walk facefirst into a wall and shout “OUT OF MY WAY, MCDONALDS” and walk into the wall again and shout [etc] Jul 20, 2011            THE DIARY OF A JESUS Jul 21, 2011             driving around is good if you have a car Jul 21, 2011
just looked at an open bedroom window and quietly said “that’s me” Jul 21, 2011
IT IS SUMMERTIME IN MY PRIVATE PARTS Jul 22, 2011                TODAY I AM BEING A GOODTIME SUPERJESUS Jul 22, 2011                  I AM A NAKED GIRL RIGHT NOW Jul 22, 2011                    Yuka: im in christian class watching a video about jejus jejus is so hot god damn hot jejus i dont know what to do with this feeling Jul 22, 2011                     now it is dark and we are all having spiders Jul 22, 2011
superchrist dying on cross. ‘just can’t wait to be king’ from lion king plays. million romans do complex dance routine. superchrist smiles. Jul 22, 2011                     I’M THAT GOAT Jul 22, 2011                                dog locked in parked car just transmitted the concept ‘bone thugz n harmony open top bus tour’ to me telepathically. Jul 22, 2011                             also seemed to be attempting to communicate ‘the underpants capital of west africa’ but i can’t be sure. Jul 22, 201                     I Am an ILLUMINATI BREADBIN worship Me. Jul 22, 2011                            amphibious unisex hair salon Jul 23, 2011                            LIFE IS NOT THAT DOG’S DREAM Jul 24, 2011                            when i have an orgasm it’s like 1/8 of an orgasm Jul 25, 2011                             @MicheleBachmann worst. eid. ever. Jul 25, 2011                            whitney houston on the moon Jul 26, 2011                            you guys i’m human just like you don’t put me up on a pedalo Jul 26, 2011                            which is the cutest nut Jul 26, 2011
wait. am i robocop? Jul 26, 2011                            feel like cutting off my nose to spite my nose Jul 26, 2011                           so buzzed off this antihistamine i just bumped into someone and said ‘is that you, superjesus?’ Jul 26, 2011                           THEY SHOULD MAKE A FILM WITH PENGUINS IN Jul 26, 2011                             being white is wasted on white people Jul 26, 2011                                                      oops just time-traveled back from the future which made my immortal soul erupt thereby causing tunguska. my bad, u guyz! Jul 27, 2011                                                            sir richard pumpaloaf Jul 27, 2011
the fairfax butt slasher Jul 28, 2011                                                          i’m so high (on life ((i mean i’m in an aeroplane))) Jul 29, 2011                                                           i love you jesus christ (jk i love my mum) Jul 29, 2011                                                          was i in that one tv show ‘frasier’? i don’t remember :( Jul 29, 2011                                              that one film jaws about sharks Jul 29, 2011                                                           man on train made me hold his ostrich egg. told me facts about it (20x size of chicken egg, its name was steve, tennisball-sized yolk) Jul 29, 2011                                                            imagine me as a dog Jul 30, 2011                                                           FFS SO SICK OF PPL TALKIN SMACK ABOUT SHARIAH LAW!!! Jul 30, 2011                                          charity meat raffle Jul 30, 2011                                                                look at a white a4 piece of paper and mentally project what you think shania twain is doing right now #levelup Jul 30, 2011                                                                   pls can someone put my <3 in a coolbox and put the coolbox in a taxicab and tell the taxicab to bring it here Jul 31, 2011
is there an app that tells me where the nearest girl wearing an ‘air jordan’ tee is? Jul 31, 2011                                                                                                  I’m consernd. Jul 31, 2011

Crispin Best’s Comments

twitter is a horrible popularity contest. some of my absolute favourite people on earth have crystallised themselves to me on there. it’s the only social medium that makes me hopeful about my life at all. i’m terrified of it.

Table of Contents

FRiGG: A Magazine of Fiction and Poetry | The Twitter Issue | Issue 37 | Summer 2012