I Worry
Claire Scott

I won’t be good at it
confusing rows of pills in orange vials
two pink ones at noon instead of at night
forgetting the antiseptic wipe
and sterile gloves when I flush his port
I worry I will be resentful
anger unfurling like a wind-whipped flag
overcooking his eggs
forgetting to order Depends
I worry my life will be swallowed
by his needs
no time to walk, to write
to have tea with friends
I worry I will be lonely

I watch others in the clinic
one helping her husband
find his phone, his hands shaking
another loudly repeats
that this is Dr. Stanley’s office
you remember Dr. Stanley
as she pushes the wheelchair
to the men’s room
I notice the wet on his pants
another woman softly says
time to put our coat on
as she gentles him awake
I worry I am afraid
of death’s warm breath

what happened
whatever happened
to the happy life they shared
now a distant memory
how can they do it

after sixty years
soft with sadness
waves part, the past flows
how can I not

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Claire Scott’s Comments

“I Worry” is about the complexity of a partner becoming a patient, a seismic shift in a relationship. The worry is both that I won’t be any good at it and that I will be impatient and resentful. I have been spending time at imaging centers and infusion centers and have had the privilege and inspiration of watching a wife or husband gently care for a spouse. Another window opening.

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