Confessions of a Bad Driver
I am a man, too.
I’ve given up.
I’m one of those guys who never wins.
I have no backing.
I’ve never been in the right place at the right time.
I’ve never been elected.
I’ve never been called to the microphone.
My shoes are often left untied.
I forget to zip my fly.
No one has ever said to me, “I love you.”
I missed out on discomania.
I still use too much salt.
I hit my children.
I ate canned ravioli as a kid.
My life is almost over.
I won’t let my wife serve instant rice.
I often forget to lift the seat.
I don’t know how to tie a tie.
I never take down my Christmas lights.
My mother called me stupid.
I bite my nails.
I have a pimply ass.
I forget to flush.
I voted for Richard Nixon.
I make my wife take out the garbage.
I can’t catch a ball.
My wife makes me sleep in the den.
She says I smell like a dead mouse.
My first grade teacher said I should be ashamed of myself.
My high school coach said I was full of shit.
My father beat my ass.
I have no friends.
I hate the snow.
I used to eat Lucky Charms.
I love baseball.
I’ve changed a lot of flat tires.
I never look at porno.
I used to like cutting the grass.
I joined the boycott against Coca Cola.
I’ve never been out of state.
I voted for Ronald Reagan.
I voted for Bush.
I once hated the Soviet Union.
I hated communists like Jane Fonda.
I hated the Viet Cong.
Now I love the Taliban.
I’m not into hate.
I didn’t take Watergate seriously.
I didn’t vote for Obama.
I always order broccoli beef and spring rolls at the Chink’s.
I drive a Chevy.
I’d like to retire to Panama.
I laughed when my brother got hit in the head by a fly ball.
I’m a goner.
I won’t let my wife shave her pussy.
I prefer sunflowers to roses.
I am an alcoholic.
My wife had her left tit removed.
I’ve always wanted to see the Pyramids.
I think Pete Rose got shafted.
I voted for Trump.
I’ve never been to a French restaurant.
I never go to church.
I think Margaret Thatcher had balls.
God bless America.
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FRiGG: A Magazine of Fiction and Poetry | Issue 49 | Spring/Summer 2017